Compare the house. I hit times so

Compare and Contrast12/12/20It’sbeen a long time since I’ve written anything down in this journal. When I meana long time, I mean 9 months. I guess I couldn’t grow out my procrastinationlike I would’ve wanted to. As I opened this relic from the past, I couldn’thelp but read my old entries. I can’t believe the things I used to say tomyself back then like “I’ll one of the most successful youtubers out there!” or”I swear to God I’ll get back at my class bully,” and even the most randomthoughts out there like “OMG, I can’t believe that, even though we’ve beenthought how to write the same letters and words, we have different styles ofhandwriting!” I can’t believe it’s been nine years since writing my first entryin here! This is literally half of my life’s experiences in pages.Lookingback I wish I could’ve tell myself a lot of things. I wish I could go back tomy lunch box days and tell myself things I’ve garnered from being alive for 18years.

I falling for society was like falling from grace and I had to learnthat the hard way. I thought at one point that all I needed was to stop eatinguntil I could just disappear and feel okay. Back then, I could’ve sworn I wasthe number one customer in like five restaurants, but now I can’t even look atsingle installment wince at the thought of food. Back then, I loved looking inthe mirror. I mean I still do until this day, but I do it in silent and neverin public view and whenever I can catch a glimpse of my reflection I instantlydart away, or, stare straight ahead into the ugly.

I look in the mirror forapproval. It would be nice enough to look at a mirror one day and becomfortable enough to leave the house.Ihit times so low that I couldn’t cry so instead I would stare out blankly inthe distance and feel my heart breaking into pieces. Back then I was one of thehappiest child to ever grace the surface of Lucena City, but now I can’t evenadmit that I’m falling apart. In a few months I’m about to move into collegeand reviewing for exams are really taking a toll on me physically andemotionally. Like, I don’t know how people survive this! I have had 3all-nighters in arrow ad I feel like I’m going to collapse any minute now. In afew months I’m going to start putting 6 years of my life’s worth into a boxlabeled memories, In a few months I’m going to walk up a stage, shake a coupleof hands, and come back down with a diploma, and In a few months I’m going tosay goodbye to the most awesome nerds that have shared the same 6 years with mein the four corners of what we once called a classroom.

Time sure flies doesn’tit?            Since I’m a nerd, let me explain this phrase. As you getolder your age adds up a year (naturally) so you get older. Now a year is justa portion of your life so far. With this logic, we derive it into an equation, being,whereas 1 represents a year, and N isyour current age. If you were, let’s say 2 then we would get  which is 50% of your life. And let’s you’re18, then we would get  which is 5.56% of your life! So, in amathematical sense, time does fly!            Looking back, I wish I could’ve done more things Ipromised myself growing up.

So, no, I didn’t become a ballerina my nine yearold self. No I didn’t become a ninja, No I didn’t become what innocence wantedme be. I became what society told me to be. And growing up in a society whereyou never feel beautiful is hard.

I miss being innocent. I miss being me. Ohhow I wished people weren’t so mean to each other. Oh how I wished I couldforget the day people called me things.

Fat.Ugly,Gay.Weak.Ohhow I wish I could feel okay for a day. Just for once in a while, smile. Let asigh of relief wash over me. Because in the end all I want is happiness.

I wantto feel what happy was like before all this happened. And now I might just becloser than ever before. Right now, I’m about to make the biggest decision ofmy life.Iwant to be happy. And happiness, I shall have. Recovery is a challenge, butit’s not as difficult as living with an eating disorder.

This time, I want tolive a life free from expectations. Because honestly, I nearly died for thethings I thought that were going to make me happy. I’ve come a long, long wayand I’m not sure I can make it much farther. All I know is there are things Ican’t control. And now I’m proud to say that I have stopped seeking revenge onthis body of mine. This is part where I’m finally going to be happy.

Eightyears have passed since then and this is where I’m going to close the chapterfor the better. This is where my story ends and begins.Thisis the story of my youth.